Discovering BDSM

My marriage was a joke at its best....he left for deployment three days after our wedding.....we had dated for 5 months before getting married. We had my oldest son one month after he came home from first deployment. (I became pregnant on midtour). 5 months later I am pregnant again. 7 months into second pregnancy he was deployed again. We had no time to have a marriage much less build a strong bond to get through everything. It is my shame to say I cheated during our third year of marriage, and yes he was deployed, and yes it was with one of his friends. not my puroudest moment. He forgave me and wanted to work on our marriage, I was to much a coward to face it and he was to wrecked to stop me, i left and filed for divorce. I stayed with his friend for over a year and the divorce was finalized in May 09. Long story short, I left his friend when he control his discipline on my boys. Started to date another guy, found out about his drug problem, found out he got me pregnant, and through everything I had kept in contact with my ex husband. We were civil to each other and habitually had phone/cyber sex together. In Dec. 09, he came and spent Christmas with us and we remarried on the 18th. It was fast and probably to soon, but I do not regret it for a moment.

He has asked me why his friend. I gave him the answer everybody accepts....he was nice to me..he made me feel special. In a way he did, but I am coming to realize that was not the only reason. My mom and my friends constantly told how bad david (ex husband) treated me. Telling me that I catered to him to much and I just blindly went along with whatever he said. I am naturally submissive, I always have been. I would rather someone else make the decisions and if they want my advice or ideas on the subject I will gladly give them, I do not take control of anything unless I absolutely have to. I was fine with david taking control of everything. But, listening to everybody else, it was the worst thing I could do, they made it seem like I was going to lose myself and who I was if I let him take over.

When I cheated on my husband, the man was someone that everybody thought I should be with. He let me do what I wanted, didn't "take control" of me. Total opposite of David. At first anyway. He really did make me feel special. But I was not in love with him. I held myself back from him. And I occasionally cheated on him with david. (nice circle huh?)  All in all, I wasn't happy. But I stayed because I thought I was suppose to be someone like that, and it was wrong to be with someone who "controlled" me. When he started to discipline my boys, that is when things went bad. He punished them harshly and at the time they were barely 2 and 3 years old. I ended it and left while he was in the field.

I have recently discovered BDSM. It is a very different lifestyle than the one I currently live, but I am attracted to it. I always have been. My guilty pleasure is readin erotica. There is a website I visit often that is nothing but erotica but amateur authors. It is an awesome site, they have catogories for every kind of fantasy out there and of course there is the BDSM category. When I first read some of the stories, I was horrified! I could not comprehend how people would want to humiliated and be in pain like that. But for some strange perverse reason, I couldn't stop reading, and then while reading, a realization hit me...I was very turned on by what I had read! I wasn't sure what to make of it. I just pushed it aside and kept it to myself. I am part of a social site and with a little exploring I found a group of women that I absolutely love! They have taken the time to explain to me about BDSM and I realized that those stories I had read made so much more sense! It isn't all just about humiliation and pain, its the total release of yourself to another person you trust so much.  Reading their stories and trying to understand everything is a little overwhelming, but I envy each and everyone of them for having that bond with their Master/Dom. Ever since finding out the true details of BDSM, I feel better about myself. I don't feel as though I am weird, or weak, or dirty for lack of better word. I look forward to learning as much as I can and introducing my husband to it. Our marriage is closer to this than I had realized and I think that my husband will be eager to learn also! We may not be as hardcore in the lifestyle as some, but as someone told me, it doesn't matter as long as we are comfortable! I will update more on this when my husband returns from this deployment and I start introducing the idea to him.