Change of Mind......?

I have done a lot of thinking, and I think that I will put off the BDSM lifestyle for now. I know it is something that I would like to explore, but I my marriage needs work. I think we need establish trust with each other before this comes in to play. We have had many issues and I am not sure how to go about fixing them!

I know that I do not want to be this clingy needy wife, but I need constant reminder, well almost constant reminder that my husband thinks I am hot, sexy, pretty, gorgeous, whatever. I want him to boost my self esteem. I want to know that he wants me. How do I get him to do that though? Its so frustrating because there has not been one time that he has told me that I was pretty, or hot, or sexy. The one time he said anything it was to say I was cute. What 24 year old wants to hear her husband call her cute? Why can't I be one of the girls he use to mess around with and flirt with? he doesn't flirt at all with me anymore. I know he has told those girls that he thought they were hot. What is it about me? Is it cause I am a mom? Or his wife? Does that me make me unhot, or unsexy to him? What is it about me that makes him treat me so differently? I...I don't know. It just feel as though something is not right. I am so scared that I am going to turn into that needy clingy wife because I don't know how else to tell him that he needs to find a way to show me or let meknow. I love him so much and he knows how sexy I think he is. But, I know if he doesn't start showing me, on his own, without me pushing him, then I will probably start to pull away from him and our marriage will never be what I want it to. I will never ever cheat on him again, but I won't be as close to him as I would like either. I just want what every female wants. To be with her best friend that she can tell anything to without judgement and know that he feels the same. We aren't there, have never been there,, and I am not sure if we will ever get there. Who knows.................................................

A Little Unsure...

I am beginning to become a little scared and a little apprehensive about the whole l/s. I know that it is something I want to try and truly believe it is something I will love, but I am so scared that I will be unable to give up my control. I am terrified of losing ME...I am not sure if that makes much sense..I have basically been a single mother of three children for almost four years now. I have taken control of how money is spent, where we will live, what we will eat, how we dress, when to go to sleep, how am I suppose to give up that control...I know if my husband turns into the Master I hope he will, he will understand and stick with our routine. I know he doesn't have much interest in taking care of details that like that and will more than likely stick to what we are already use to...but the point is that he could change it all....I am not sure if I am prepared for that and I am not sure if I can.

Another fear is that we begin this l/s and my husband will not like it...If we start, I am not going to want to stop...I know he has a lot to overcome because he is so use to me taking care of everything for him. As of now, because he is deployed, I make the final decision. I know everything is a work in progress and it takes a while, but I am a very impatient person and would just like to hurry it along!! I hope and pray that he is on board for this.

Even though I am scared of losing myself in the process, I know that I must trust my husband to find me again if I do get lost. That is the biggest thing isn't it? Trust...That is going to be the biggest obstical and the main one I think to have successful D/s life. We both have betrayed each other in the past and he has betrayed me not so long ago, I will be groping desperatly for something to show me I can trust him with ALL of me. At the same time, I believe that this l/s will bring us even closer and open both of us to each other. We will finally be one with one another and I want that desperately.

As I sit mulling over my fears, I came to realiztion that overcoming all my fears is part of the l/s. Learning, growing, and overcoming. Even though we have not started the l/s, just the fact that I have finally recognized my hunger for it and am seeking it out, I know that I will never be totally statisfied with a normal sex life, or a "normal" life at all. I believe I was born to serve and I am praying that my husband comes to realize the same.

Discovering BDSM

My marriage was a joke at its best....he left for deployment three days after our wedding.....we had dated for 5 months before getting married. We had my oldest son one month after he came home from first deployment. (I became pregnant on midtour). 5 months later I am pregnant again. 7 months into second pregnancy he was deployed again. We had no time to have a marriage much less build a strong bond to get through everything. It is my shame to say I cheated during our third year of marriage, and yes he was deployed, and yes it was with one of his friends. not my puroudest moment. He forgave me and wanted to work on our marriage, I was to much a coward to face it and he was to wrecked to stop me, i left and filed for divorce. I stayed with his friend for over a year and the divorce was finalized in May 09. Long story short, I left his friend when he control his discipline on my boys. Started to date another guy, found out about his drug problem, found out he got me pregnant, and through everything I had kept in contact with my ex husband. We were civil to each other and habitually had phone/cyber sex together. In Dec. 09, he came and spent Christmas with us and we remarried on the 18th. It was fast and probably to soon, but I do not regret it for a moment.

He has asked me why his friend. I gave him the answer everybody accepts....he was nice to me..he made me feel special. In a way he did, but I am coming to realize that was not the only reason. My mom and my friends constantly told how bad david (ex husband) treated me. Telling me that I catered to him to much and I just blindly went along with whatever he said. I am naturally submissive, I always have been. I would rather someone else make the decisions and if they want my advice or ideas on the subject I will gladly give them, I do not take control of anything unless I absolutely have to. I was fine with david taking control of everything. But, listening to everybody else, it was the worst thing I could do, they made it seem like I was going to lose myself and who I was if I let him take over.

When I cheated on my husband, the man was someone that everybody thought I should be with. He let me do what I wanted, didn't "take control" of me. Total opposite of David. At first anyway. He really did make me feel special. But I was not in love with him. I held myself back from him. And I occasionally cheated on him with david. (nice circle huh?)  All in all, I wasn't happy. But I stayed because I thought I was suppose to be someone like that, and it was wrong to be with someone who "controlled" me. When he started to discipline my boys, that is when things went bad. He punished them harshly and at the time they were barely 2 and 3 years old. I ended it and left while he was in the field.

I have recently discovered BDSM. It is a very different lifestyle than the one I currently live, but I am attracted to it. I always have been. My guilty pleasure is readin erotica. There is a website I visit often that is nothing but erotica but amateur authors. It is an awesome site, they have catogories for every kind of fantasy out there and of course there is the BDSM category. When I first read some of the stories, I was horrified! I could not comprehend how people would want to humiliated and be in pain like that. But for some strange perverse reason, I couldn't stop reading, and then while reading, a realization hit me...I was very turned on by what I had read! I wasn't sure what to make of it. I just pushed it aside and kept it to myself. I am part of a social site and with a little exploring I found a group of women that I absolutely love! They have taken the time to explain to me about BDSM and I realized that those stories I had read made so much more sense! It isn't all just about humiliation and pain, its the total release of yourself to another person you trust so much.  Reading their stories and trying to understand everything is a little overwhelming, but I envy each and everyone of them for having that bond with their Master/Dom. Ever since finding out the true details of BDSM, I feel better about myself. I don't feel as though I am weird, or weak, or dirty for lack of better word. I look forward to learning as much as I can and introducing my husband to it. Our marriage is closer to this than I had realized and I think that my husband will be eager to learn also! We may not be as hardcore in the lifestyle as some, but as someone told me, it doesn't matter as long as we are comfortable! I will update more on this when my husband returns from this deployment and I start introducing the idea to him.

The Beginning to My Marriage

I had just recently got out of a really bad relationship. There was drinking and drug use on his part, not mine. I was the designated babysitter for him. It had been two weeks since I last saw him and I was estatic! My friend texted me when I was out and asked me to come to a bar, she had someone she wanted me to meet. I really wasn't into meeting somebody and it never crossed my mind that she was hinting at a one night stand. I have never, to this day, have had a one night stand. Its just not me. Anyway, me and two of my friends who were married go to this bar. The friend who called me (brandi) was there with her boyfriend(sean) and his friend(david). David is who she wanted me to meet. I checked him out and had my reservations about him. He was cute, army haircut, tall, had muscle but wasnt' bulky, but he was wearing a spandex spiderman shirt. I mean really? He was 20 years old for crying out loud! But, I can't say much because I was wearing a superman t-shirt! lol! But my married friends who came with me pulled me to the side and told me they heard a very interesting thing....my "friend" brandi was trying to hook me up with david for a one night stand. Apparently it had been a while since he had gotten laid......nice.....So after hearing this, my guard goes up and I start to flirt shamelessly. I figured if they had the balls to basically throw me at this guy, I would go all out and then turn him down and go home. Well, we all decided to go back to the barracks and drink since none of could at the bar. Me and Brandi met more of Seans friends and started to drink. There was another guy there named Brian. Now Brian is very easy to look at. Dark hair, dark eyes, tall, nice muscle. The problem was, he knew it. He is a very smooth talker and knows how to sweet talk and charm! Next thing I know, Brian and David were in "competition" and had their shirts off. I was in heaven! lol! And I actually made out with both of them which was a first for me. As the night wore on, I was more interested in David because I knew Brian was a collector. But, David left. (found out later it was cause he was bored) And then Brian left. David told me I could go with him if I wanted. I wasn't planning on it, but Sean told me no, I wasn't going. So of course I wanted to do the opposite. I mean who was he to tell me no. I just met him! I ended up not leaving and me and Brandi ended up passing out on the bed. Next thing I know Brandi is saying how horny she is...I told her sorry Icouldn't help her....so Sean gets the bright idea of climbing on top of her and they start to go at it...mind you I am still in the bed. I feel this hand creeping between my thighs. OMG! Really? I start to freak out because of some really bad memories this was provoking. I kept pushing his hand away and he kept bringing it back. I guess I started yelling because there was a banging on the door and shouting for Sean to open the door. As soon as Sean got up, I got up. It was Brian. He demanded to know what was going on. He was looking at me. I was just standing there shaking like a leaf with tears streaming down my face. Brian told me to come out of the room, I was more than happy to oblige. Sean tried to intervene, but failed.  Me and Brian stayed up and talked all night. It was definetly something different from what I am use to, he was different from my original conclusion. He asked me if I would like to go on a date with him and I told him yes and to just call me. I realized later that he didn't even get my number! A few days go by and I learned that Brandi had talked to him, but he never mentioned getting my number or me for that matter. So, I figured he was just playing, I let it go. David on the other hand, was very interested! Brandi, Sean, David, and I were elected to watch her parents for them while they went on vacation! I have no idea what they were thinking! lol! But we were very well behaved, we all had to much respect for her parents to be bad. That was the first time me and David did anything sexual other than making out. We were both on the couch together and cuddlying. Eventually his hands start to wander. It felt so good! We started to get more into, but I had to pull the brakes because Mother Nature was visiting me that week! But, I began stroking him and it was maybe a minute of stroking when I hear "Oh Fuck" in my ear. Yea, that quick, and no i am not that good! He was really embarassed, but it had been awhile for him also. I wasn't mad. I thought it was kinda cute.  Well, since everything was going so well, something bad had to happen. I had gone to get tested for STD's after being with drug and alcohol dude just to be safe. When I had done that, the doctor told me that I had herpes. They are able to diagnose this just by looking. She was also going to do blood tests. Awesome......well, I really liked David and I really wanted something to happen with us. But, I had to tell him. So, I asked him if we could go on a walk so I could talk to him. He agreed to go. I told him the story about me and ex and that I had to get tested and that I might have herpes, I was suppose to get the results in a couple of weeks. He took it very well. He actually laughed and said thats it? I was like yea what else would it be. This is kinda serious! He told me that he thought it was something worse. He asked if this was why I refused to sleep with him. I told him that was part of the reason, but also because I don't sleep with someone right off the bat. I like to know that I can trust the person first. He actually went with me to get the test results. It was negative on everything! I was so relieved! Me and David continued to date, nothing to serious. I knew that I was the only one he was dating and vice versa. He had told me that he didn't want anything serious and I was good with that. About  a month into dating, we still hadn't slept together. But, it wasn't a priority with us. At least not with me. We were having fun just being together. One day, we were hanging out at Brandi's and he pulled me into his arms and whispered,"I love you". It was so quiet that I wasn't sure what he had said. I just pretended I didn't hear him. I told Brandi what I thought he had said. She was excited! I wasn't sure about it though. Later that night, we decided to crash at Brandi's because we had been drinking, he told me again, more confidently, that he loved me. I just looke at him; I didn't know what to say! I wasn't clear on my feelings and didn't want to tell him anything until I was sure. I asked him if he was sure, and I thought he didn't want anything serious, and he understands that telling me that takes us to a different level of relationship. he said yes, he knew and he wasn't sure what happened. He reassured me that I didn't have to say or do anything, he just wanted me to know how he felt.  I told him I loved him a few weeks later. He told me he didn't want saying it just because I felt I should. I told him that i wasn't, I really meant it. I couldn't imagine being with anybody else and didn't want to imagine it. We slept together for the first time on his 20th birthday.  We went through a lot of ups and downs and fights and breakup and getting back togethers. We married Septmeber 10,2005.